dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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