when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
