so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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