Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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