This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
