I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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