I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
