...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
