my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i think i just lost a toe
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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