I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
