anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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