There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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