She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
