you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
