I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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