I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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