apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
