i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
