I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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