This is not my ceiling
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
