Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
