What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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