i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
