I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
