just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
