if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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