Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
