Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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