So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He shit in the fireplace
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
