I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Still dying that you shit outside
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
