I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
