Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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