Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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