Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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