As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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