I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
