At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
