Is it because I queefed?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
