Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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