My sheets look like a crime scene.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
