waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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