it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
