no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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