i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
