Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
