genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
