So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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