Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
