I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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