Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
