so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
