my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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