Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
