It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
