I am spending my child support on dildos
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
