Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
